parenting styles 101

I havn't posted here for a long time. What can I say? I have a third-grader--and, as I learned from teaching, third grade is a bit of a by-year--and a kindergartner. Well, it was. This kid goes to a school that's teaching a full year ahead of what I taught at the start of my career, so there's that. But in general, both kids are thriving (meaning we laugh, we argue, we cry, we fuss over homework, we go to the doctor, have dinner, and do it all over again the next week).

I live in the heart of Boulder County, which is probably no more judgemental than the rest of the country, but might be judgmental in different ways. I, for instance, might come off as pretentious because of my jewelry. Not my car--never my 9 year old jeep, but maybe my house(s), though. I dress well--kind of a skater style, but that's just me. I can throw down Nordstrom with the best of 'em. I color my hair. My kids are not only clean, but well-turned out. I shave. The list goes on. Now, I say that if you LOOK at me, these are the things you see. You might make certain assumptions about me by the way I present myself. You might make certain assumptions about me as a parent. You might be right. You might be wrong.

I've seen my fair share of whiny kiddos in my lifetime (40 years of life; 9 years of parenting). Poorly adjusted, spoiled, whatever. Some of them slept with their parents (waking them at all hours for years on end), were worn in a sling, and were breastfed until they were old enough to say the word "breast". Some of them were raised according to Babywise and John Rosemond's theories. Some of them have fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants parents. Point is, you can't make a judgement about how people raise their kids--if it's right for the kid. I know from teaching that different kids require different styles. People learn in different ways. (There's a learning quadrant, in fact, and everyone falls somewhere on it).

My eldest needs sleep and food above all else. Give him twelve hours of sleep, four squares, and an hour of hard exercise a day, he is a freaking angel. When he's grumpy, moody, whiny or argumentative (often, because I freaking can't afford to feed the kid enough) ignoring does not work. He has stamina well past ours and yours, trust me.

First I try a joke. It works 25% of the time. Then I must assert, aggressively, my authority over him. Often the only way to shut him down is to be just outright mean. His strong personality demands I set a boundary rigorously. Do I get dirty looks from "attachment theory" parents? Fuck, I live in Boulder County. Does the accordian player wear a pinky ring? But meet my son. Talk to him. He's loving, articulate, socially aware, interested. Yeah, in you. He's not perfect, but I've never heard the term "poorly adjusted" come up about him. And we did Babywise with him. He started sleeping all night (8 hours) at 8 weeks and never looked back.

My youngest is driven by her need to create. No Babywise for her. She didn't sleep well as a baby in fact, only just started to sleep with school. (But she sure as fuck never had insomnia in our bed--my husband and I value our relationship with each other too much.) The first thing she does upon arising is come say hi to me and her dad, and then we find her at her art table. EVERY MORNING. She's brilliant with interpersonal relationships. She's just got it, socially, from an early age.

She's fairly even-keel, but if she cries, look out! there is no shutting her down. There is no joking her out of it. There is no shouting her out of it. She doesn't cry often (well, once a day--she's 6 after all and being 6 is some serious shit) but when she does, there is no way to stop it. We have to walk away. (Or carry her, kicking and screaming, to her room.) Being mean simply doesn't work; silent absence does. Usually within a matter of five minutes. Some people think we should try to talk her down. Uh huh. More power to you if it works with your kid.

But meet my daughter. Talk to her. She's stubborn as hell, but friendly and happy. Rather like my son, in that regard.

Two radically different personalities requiring radically different parenting styles. Odd, that, in the same family and everything. Point: don't judge. You don't know the kid. You don't know the parent. Parenting is not about short term gain--it's not about the temper tantrum in Target, it's not about the playdate gone awry, or whether the five-year-old still carries a blanky; it's about turning out well-adjusted adults. And well-adjusted means something different to every person on the planet.

I can't stand when people purport One Godlike Theory for childraising--much less when they decry another theory for other people's kids. It's one of the most ignorant things you can do as a parent. Every person is different. Every child is different. If one "theory" works for all your kids, you're either very fortunate in this life, or you're fucking kidding yourself.