I have a quite good friend who always takes her kids' side in a fight. Advocating for your children is not a bad thing. That is part of our job as parents. However, it's a fine line between friends, because this particular mother somehow manages to also make it look as if the other child (in a most recent incident, mine) wrong. I realized the lengths, recently, to which she'll protect her little darlings: she made sure my kid knew that she thought my kid lied, and later, she even recalled The Incident as happening in the wrong place! (It was a pushing incident, and to be clear, when I walked in, my kid was on the ground. My daughter is quite the accomplished truth-bender, but most five-year-olds aren't savvy enough to prop their lies with physical posing. Mine certainly is not.)
Part of keeping your cool is sticking firmly to our own maturity level. We somehow we often allow our children to drag us into their squabbles. These are the sorts of altercations that most thinking adults resolve with a few words: ("Hey, when you're through with it, can I use that shovel?" "Sure, I'll trade you for the bucket.")
It is imperative to not take sides for children. They learn bad things if an adult sweeps in and "solves" their fights for them.
All I have to do is cry and mummy will fix it.
I can get my way by pushing other people around.
I don't have to talk it out.
And they eventually might wonder:
Why doesn't that kid want to play with me any more?
I don't have a lot of fighting at my house, but for better or worse, if two kids are fighting, both kids get in trouble. That means if my kids are arguing over something inane, "negotiating" over where everyone gets to sit, for example, everyone loses. The TV turns off, the toy gets removed, whatever. Frankly, yeah, sometimes one kid is being more of a jerk than the other. Jerks are a part of life. Dealing with them builds character. And, kids have a choice. It takes two people to have an argument. A kid can always walk away. But if they choose to stay and fight, then they risk losing all.
Yes, it turns me into the enemy. But I'm not my children's' friend, and "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" was never truer than among 8-year-olds.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
I wish I had your cool head.
Best wishes
Yes, I sound quite cool in this don't I?
I'm a raving lunatic when it comes to raising kids, just like the rest of us.
For some reason, posting is not allowed on your sex scenes blog! Blogger is acting goofy again, though.
And, btw, I wholeheartedly agree with your post here. I hadn't stopped by to read the mommy blog before. (So many blogs, so little time!)
Thanks!!
Couldn't have said it better myself. And what is really ironic, my friend told me this morning that she told HER 10 year old, "Get used to it. I'm not your friend, I your MOTHER!".
Perfect.
And yea, I had a friend whose child was constantly fighting with other kids, and even mine. She always took her kids side, and one day, after her son shoved my kid so hard into a wooden chair that he needed stitches I asked, "Do you ever wonder how your kids is ALWAYS right, and every other kid in the neighborhood, and their parenst, is ALWAYS wrong? I mean, how could that even be possible?"
Eventually, that kid had NO ONE to play with.
Post a Comment